I will admit that I dislike the word doormat to describe the codependent tendency of letting people walk all over you, but this is what happens. This occurs in relationships with others that take advantage of your behavior. This does not justify others using you but neither should you avoid responsibility for your part in this dysfunctional relationship dynamic. If you believe your codependent tendencies require the help of a qualified mental health practitioner, please do so. This article is not intended for therapeutic intervention. It is intended to point out the codependent tendency, the importance of addressing, and taking ownership of the issue.
Ownership is so you can begin working towards your potential. If you allow yourself to be used as a doormat then how can you work towards your potential? There are countless ways that you can be used as a doormat and none of them will be of any value for achieving your potential. You may think you will derive benefit but you will likely not be aware of this skewed view. Being a doormat will always benefit the person walking all over you. Let’s say you’re just being a nice person, they are still walking all over you, whether or not you’re getting some need met, that’s still not for your benefit. In that case, it satisfies your ego that you are a nice person. Is it working towards your potential, your best possible outcome? I’ve mentioned in a previous article that if you’re busy meeting the needs of others you will likely not meet your needs. Likewise, it is extremely difficult to achieve your potential if you’re busy being a doormat for others.
You can allow yourself to be a doormat with anyone and in any setting. It can be at work with your boss or colleagues. You might allow them to speak to you disrespectfully or in a way that you are not comfortable but allow. Your employer may choose to not fairly compensate you for your work. In your personal life if you consistently let people tell you what to do, or they tell you what you want or need has no value. You are allowing yourself to be submissive to a degree that you lose your individuality and prevent progress from reaching your potential. You know, that if you took some time for introspection, you would admit you are not comfortable with your behavior as it is, and you’re either afraid or unaware of how to change. You’d imagine yourself speaking up to that person who is always saying something offensive to you or asking you to do something you’d rather not do. Maybe you’ve always been challenged by a particular person and you always back down. I don’t think I need to be exhaustive. Being treated like a doormat is a terrible experience and until we do something about it, the behaviors from the other person and you will not change. We can change it but there are some things to consider as you make the effort.
To take ownership and work towards your potential it’s important to recognize any resentment you hold for allowing yourself to be used as a doormat. Resentment occurs when you are being a doormat, doing what others want, and not doing what you want. It might fester and grow until you have an emotional outburst and say something like, “You see everything I’m doing, and I get no recognition.” You’ve indeed done plenty but it got done because you allowed yourself to be used for those ends. You were getting a need met, albeit an ill-conceived need based on faulty logic. Now you have resentment towards someone that you allowed to control your outcomes. Allowing yourself to acknowledge that yes, it was me that placed myself under the control of another person, when I did not have to, and now I resent them, when it was me who chose to be the doormat.
Once you’ve taken ownership you need to be prepared for the reactions of those that are accustomed to you being their doormat. It’s nothing you should fear but I would be doing you a disservice if I did not share this with you. Speaking from my experience you may face resistance and anger from those that have used you. They may say, “You’ve changed.” There’s the unsaid, how dare you speak to me like that or how dare you not serve me as you have been. They might say to you, “Who the h*ll do you think you are.” I’ve heard and felt some of these but I’ve learned to become confident and stand my ground. It hasn’t been easy but it’s doable. I’d also like to share additional evidence on what to expect on your path to longer being a doormat and increasing your confidence.
Dr. Ross Rosenberg is the author of, The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap. He has created a plan for codependents to recover from narcissistic abuse. I again need to reiterate this article is not intended for therapeutic intervention. What I do want to point out from his book is the consequence of one particular step he mentions for addressing one's codependency. That is, when you begin to set boundaries, you can expect to face some form of retribution from the narcissist. Regardless of whoever I have chosen to be a doormat for, when I decided to no longer be a doormat to them, and began to set boundaries, it was not well received. It took me a long time to learn that normal, well-adjusted people, set boundaries and accept the boundaries of others.
You can begin with small steps to start building your confidence and move away from being a doormat. I am confident with so many available strategies you can begin to change this behavior. I’d like to share one strategy that I have found useful. It is not the only one but I think it’s a good place to start. It’s the power pose to build your confidence, from the work of Dr. Amy Cuddy and others. For two minutes you stand with your feet shoulder-width apart, put your hands on your hips, and your chest pushed out. She calls it the Wonder Woman pose but if you’d rather imagine a male, I think Superman is a good alternative. According to her research, there are also physiological changes that your body experiences and you feel more confident.
On one occasion I needed to confront a colleague about how he had spoken to me during an international trip. I practiced this pose several times in the airplane lavatory. It was not the most pleasant location to practice, but it was the best option on the plane. I was not one to confront people and I allowed myself to be a doormat for many years. I was able to boost my confidence and confront my colleague. I was still a bit nervous but as the saying goes, “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” It is a tool I use on occasion when I need a confidence boost. If nothing else please recognize you don’t have to continue being a doormat.
I always like to remind my readers about taking advice. I’ve made some suggestions for you to consider. I’ve shared things that have worked for me. More importantly, I’ve shared things that will hopefully evoke you into being your problem solver. If something doesn’t work for you, please resolve that there will be something that works for you. It requires your discovery. The life journey you are on is unique to you and so should be the solutions you discover.
This blog is intended as an informational support system for those with codependent tendencies on their path towards reinvention. Please seek mental health providers if needed.
David is the owner of Partnerships for Performance.com a personal transformational coaching company.
Carney, Dana R., Amy JC Cuddy, and Andy J. Yap. "Power posing: Brief nonverbal displays affect neuroendocrine levels and risk tolerance." Psychological science 21.10 (2010): 1363-1368.
Rosenberg, Ross. The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap: Surviving Narcissistic Abuse. Morgan James Publishing, 2018.
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