One codependent tendency is an over-emphasis on the needs of others versus your own. You can spend a lifetime pleasing others and often ignoring your own needs, your own passions. It’s a detriment to the person giving more when self-sacrifice is unbalanced. It’s not selfish to have an awareness of the necessity to be attentive to your own needs, over someone else’s needs. This is difficult when you have codependent tendencies. I think it’s fair to say if you are not aware of your codependent tendencies, it is not likely you will put your needs over others. You may be aware of your codependent tendencies but you are stuck in a routine. When you do attempt to be attentive to your own needs over others, you might experience induced guilt from others, or self-induced guilt because it doesn’t feel right to you. The induced guilt from others arises because they’ve been accustomed to you placing their needs over yours. The self-induced guilt because that is what you have always done, please others at your expense. You feel uncomfortable when you are placing your needs above others. Prepared to be challenged by others if you decide to end this cycle. I want to share two concepts; wisdom and temperance and their benefits for someone with codependent tendencies needing to find balance.
You may not be aware of how to meet your needs or pursue your passions with wisdom and temperance; because you’ve largely been guided by the needs and passions of others. Your autonomy is waiting to be discovered but ownership needs to happen. Yes, others were taking advantage and benefitting from your codependent tendencies. However, engage in introspection, and it’s likely to uncover, you were getting some needs meet as an exchange. You may have also become resentful of someone else; while it was you who consistently choose to prioritize their needs and passions over yours. You will need to find those answers, and when you do, you can begin taking responsibility for your role. It’s a path to taking control of your life. There is truth in being able to change what is under your control and letting go of what is not.
I realize these terms are easily definable but I want to first provide you with the definitions of both terms, wisdom, and temperance as they apply to this topic. What is the meaning of wisdom? The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines wisdom as: “ability to discern inner qualities and relationships.” William De Witt Hyde from his book, The Cardinal Virtues defines wisdom:
“Wisdom is the sense of proportion-the power to see clearly one’s ends, and their relative worth; to subordinate lower ends to higher without sacrificing the lower altogether; and to select the appropriate means to one’s ends, taking just so much of the means as will best serve the ends - no more and no less. It is neither the gratification nor the suppression of appetite and passion as such, but the organization of them into a hierarchy of ends which they are sternly compelled to subserved.”
What is the meaning of temperance? The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines temperance as: “habitual moderation in the indulgence of the appetites or passions.” William De Witt Hyde from his book, The Cardinal Virtues defines temperance:
“Some selection there must be between competing and mutually exclusive goods…” “The temperate man selects that which best fits his permanent ends… “The temperate man sacrifices his transient sensations in the interest of his permanent and social self.” “Temperance does not hate pleasure. Temperance loves pleasure more wisely – that is all.”
Please note: Mr. Hyde’s book was published in 1902 so it was not written in gender-neutral terms. However, I do think these definitions would be beneficial to any gender orientation.
Based on these definitions of wisdom and temperance consider how they might apply to the following suggestions and questions. Take a look at behaviors within a current interaction or relationship. Are they beneficial for all involved or is it lop-sided? As a codependent are you constantly challenged to keep the other party content at the expense of you? As a codependent have you thought about how your current behavior will impact your long-term goals and future outcomes? Are your codependent tendencies being satisfied by some short-term pleasures that unknowingly will prevent the experience of future needs and passions, that would be ultimately more satisfying than you current experiences? It’s likely that the current experienced needs and passions being met are limited, because they are linked to codependent tendencies. Do you know what is being given up by succumbing to your codependent tendencies if you continue to self-sacrifice to others and ignore your own needs and desired passions? Will you be comfortable living your life in this manner?
Utilizing wisdom and temperance to help you control your codependent tendencies and make better decisions. Temperance assists so you will not be overtaken by those tendencies, or experience guilt because you are pursuing your needs and passions. It’s likely when you are bound by codependent tendencies, needs and passions are subjugated all together to please another party. You may have been made to feel guilty for pursuing your needs and passions. Once you are no longer under control of your codependent tendencies you feel liberated to pursue your needs and passions. Wisdom will be of use to you when someone is trying to manipulate you and invalidate your needs and passions. You can now plan for a better future by ensuring that you moderate your own needs and passions. You no longer have to feel guilt or shame. In wisdom and temperance, you can make your contribution to meeting other’s needs and passions while no longer neglecting your own.
Compare the expectations and judgments of others against what is valid for you. If someone judges you for satisfying your needs, pursuing your passions, or enjoying things that are pleasurable to you, determine whether or not you are harming others or yourself. Use wisdom and temperance in your assessment. Should you assess that you are, then you know you need to take corrective action. Should you assess that you are not, then recognize when you’ve satisfied your needs and passions and that you’re on your planned path. It’s worthwhile to consider the motives of others if their assessment is false. Continue developing your wisdom and temperance to derive its benefits. Enjoy meeting your needs and passions but know how to moderate them. Find the right balance that is suitable for you. Know when you are denying yourself, or in excess, and recenter yourself. Always be mindful of the codependent tendency to put others needs and passions above yours.
I always like to remind my readers about taking advice. I’ve made some suggestions for you to consider. I’ve shared things that have worked for me. More importantly, I’ve shared things that will hopefully evoke you into being your problem solver. If something doesn’t work for you, please resolve that there will be something that works for you. It requires your discovery. The life journey you are on is unique to you and so should be the solutions you discover.
This blog is intended as an informational support system for those with codependent tendencies on their path towards reinvention. Please seek mental health providers if needed.
David is the owner of Partnerships for Performance.com a personal transformational coaching company.
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