It is important to know your value if you intend on continuing to grow, lead a productive adult life, and continue to achieve your goals. When you have a codependent tendency of not knowing your value and allow others to determine it for you, experiencing personal growth, a productive adult life, and goal achievement will be difficult. You may not realize it, but you are abdicating the power over yourself to someone else. This codependent tendency is preventing you from taking charge of your life, in whatever area that you have ceded the power of your value over to others. You have given them the authority over your value, to tell you what your worth, and you accept it as truth. You then deny yourself and agree with whomever provides this assessment. How are you able to grow and lead a productive life if you can’t see beyond what others have ascribed to you? From personal experience, I can attest I was not living the life I wanted, when I allowed others to determine my value.
You can waste valuable time in your life if you don’t change this mindset. I’ve spent much of my adult life thinking this was an acceptable to operate this way. I knew I had to prove myself at work by my effort and quality of production. When I was told I wasn’t there yet, I worked harder, and I pursued education after work to demonstrate my worth. These and many other endeavors and actions that you are told you need to do, to stand out in a crowd. Often, very often, I was told, "Not good enough," "Almost there," "We had to give it to someone else." This would leave me bitterly disappointed, dejected, feeling hopeless, because I thought what on earth else could I possibly do to prove my worth? I know now that was the wrong perspective to have; I needed to change the perspective I had on my value.
I had to realize as with any other codependent tendency it begins with me and the necessity to stop blaming others. If I wanted to grow, lead a productive life, and achieve my goals, I was going to have to stop giving others power over me. I was going to have to stop myself from determining my value, as it was told to me, and acted upon me by others. Some people take advantage of this type of submissive behavior and others don’t, but again it comes back to you. Yes, it is submissive behavior on your part and no it does not have to be declared overtly, that you are submissive. You have to recognize this within yourself so that you stop this behavior, so you will not be treated as a submissive person.
Have you ever been in a relationship where you were told, “No one will ever love you as I have,” or, “You will never find anyone else like me, who accepts you as you are?” Yes, there are so many things wrong with these perspectives. Easily they can be discounted as false, considering that the population on our planet is in the billions. The problem with having codependent tendencies is that you forget facts, give in to your insecurities, and go into panic mode thinking. You think to yourself, “Oh my goodness, will I ever find someone to love me like this,” or “Will there ever be someone else who accepts me as I am.” Notwithstanding, that you should always put maximum effort into relationships. Your value does not need to be confirmed by someone else. It’s nice when it does happen but it is not a necessity. However, when we do believe we are not good enough, that our value is lacking, we allow ourselves to be manipulated because we believe we are getting what we deserve. We have allowed ourselves to be manipulated because of our inability to identify our value.
There are many ways we can go about identifying our value and stop giving others the power to determine our value. It’s likely that you already know your weaknesses, but if you need to, write them down as part of your process, to begin working on them, and to become stronger. So now start exploring your strengths, write those down too, and begin looking ahead to the future. How can you use your strengths to grow, to lead a productive adult life, and achieve your goals, as you see them, and not how they are seen by someone else? It should also increase your excitement if you can envision how you will be able to apply your strengths towards achieving your goals. Let’s not forget that one of your more pressing goals should be to stop letting others ascribe your value. This includes identifying your thoughts and behaviors that influence how you present yourself, based on how others treat you. You are beginning to taking away the power you gave others over you. What your doing is changing your thoughts and behaviors so that they reflect who you are, causing others to act differently towards you. They will recognize you are no longer being a submissive person. You are taking a responsible and active role in the outcomes of your life rather than allowing it to be dictated by others.
Hopefully, now you will become aware of the expansiveness of your possibilities as you no longer limit your value to what others ascribed. In your new awareness, you reflect on how you allowed yourself to be narrowly defined. Now you should see a wide-open space of directions you choose to explore. You will experience the enjoyment of what you deserve and others no longer can dictate that you. Now you are free to explore and know what you are capable of and within your potential. Whether it’s some small or grand thing, it’s based on your value. I hope you are willing to stop being submissive and know your value. I’ve learned it is a far better way to live. The certainty of your value should be priceless to you.
I always like to remind my readers about taking advice. I’ve made some suggestions for you to consider. I’ve shared things that have worked for me. More importantly, I’ve shared things that will hopefully evoke you into being your problem solver. If something doesn’t work for you, please resolve that there will be something that works for you. It requires your discovery. The life journey you are on is unique to you and so should be the solutions you discover.
This blog is intended as an informational support system for those with codependent tendencies on their path towards reinvention. Please seek mental health providers if needed.
David is the owner of Partnerships for Performance.com a personal transformational coaching company.
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