Taking Ownership and Moving Forward
I wanted to recap on the topic of love bombing. I’ll keep the definitions brief because I want to keep the focus on what you might learn from my experience. I’ll share my part in ownership and moving forward. There is plenty of information out there on love bombing that one can sufficiently explore the topic. One of the more critical points about love bombing is that there is an agenda attached to this behavior that will always result in going against your best interests. This is where someone or a group showers you with an inordinate amount of attention and praise and/or gifts in an attempt to convey that you’re the most wonderful human being. It is part of the idealization phase that is often referred to in unhealthy relationships. In this phase, you are metaphorically speaking put on a pedestal. It can make you feel like you are finally being recognized for your worth: you exist and are regarded. When you are not codependent or have healthy self-esteem: you know it is not rational. It doesn’t feel right. If you’re codependent this behavior makes you highly susceptible to manipulation. This term was initially used to describe how cults operate using this behavior in member indoctrination and manipulation.
The word cult might evoke thoughts of belief in a group that is extremely controlling and leads to detrimental or irreversible consequences This is not what I am discussing. Although, recently there seem to be disturbing trends in group formations that would fit this definition. Some might disagree with my description of a cult based on my experience but I will explain. My experience was in a church near the military town where I was stationed. One of the goals (but not overtly stated) was to groom men who were married and demonstrated the potential to eventually branch out and establish their church. There were often military service members who were about to complete their service requirements. When their service time was near completion and they had the option to reenlist they were subtly encouraged not to do so, including me. For those that decided to reenlist, return to their home state, or leave the church; attempts were made to make the person feel guilty because they were, “disobeying God’s calling.” I decided not to reenlist. Partly for the church but also because I did not see a career in the military as desirable for me. Nonetheless, I did experience the pressure to not reenlist. There were also several marriages that ended. Years later mine would also end. I eventually did wind up leaving that church and I heard it eventually closed. My total time in association with that church was about four years but the after-effects I would experience for many years later.
What is my ownership about what transpired? I unnecessarily struggled financially for several years during and after my time associated with that church. I had codependent tendencies but was not aware of the impact it was having on my life. So, after the church experience, I recognized my self-esteem was lacking. I was at a place where I lacked focused and was not investing in my self-care. I was looking towards others for fulfillment. This resulted in satisfying the agenda of the church. It didn’t help that I was also shy and a people pleaser. I enjoyed the validation and nurturing I received from the church members. Had I been focused on myself and not lacking internal validation I would be telling an entirely different experience. Did I allow myself to be manipulated? Yes. If I am truly honest, I was not forced in my decisions. Sure, there was manipulation by the members.
Years later by coincidence, I would run into different senior members and once had a phone conversation. I was looking for closure but surmised there was no desire to reminisce about the experience. I sensed avoidance, denial, and a tinge of arrogance from all of those individuals who earlier demonstrated concern for my well-being. I share this with you because this is a critical part of transformational change. Steps need to be taken to focus on you and the role you play in your life. To not continue blaming others and see clearly what you need to change. It doesn’t excuse their role and it’s up to them to come to terms with their actions and experience. Along those lines, we should readily accept that we need to change ourselves and not others.
I’d like to leave you with some things to consider. Do you monitor your self-worth? Do you have an objective and rational perspective of your participation in group dynamics? How are independence and interdependence when you interact within a group? If you have experienced the influence of manipulation or controlling behaviors by others what was your role? Are you ignoring your suspicions that something isn’t right? Search and understand how cognitive dissonance functions. Learn from your experiences and strive towards your potential.
This blog is intended as an informational support system for codependents on their path towards reinvention. The writer is not a mental health practitioner and is not offering mental health advice. Please seek mental health providers if needed.
David is the owner of Partnerships for Performance.com a personal transformational coaching company.
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